current state of mind, dangerously close to letting go... i'm just too tired

//01.28.04 ; 6:47 p.m.

somebody give me some lovin...

[points to the lovenotes and guestbook links up there]

it's been pretty sad here, i'm missin friends i knew how to depend on.

it's just that going to school every day, eating with these people, working on projects together... seems unrealistic. the bond is missing (although we usually talk about ourselves and do UBE [Ultimate Bonding Experience] almost everyday).

but then again, who are the friends i so long to be with?

i can possibly count the people i considered as friends in one hand. and that doesn't say much.

because sometimes i prefer to be alone.

i've always felt this emptiness inside of me, my longing for friends to talk to, friends who'll probably understand me, who'll give me space to grow...

i don't think i have those kind of friends anymore. either we've grown apart from each others or that we're just different now and everything ceases to be what it was once, no matter how hard we bring it back.

nowadays, it's 3 people out of the 5 i count in my fingers. i shivered with the thought that i am poorly equipped with the ability to make friends stay. i'm scared that i might wake up one day with no friends left, nobody to talk to, nobody to care.

because, all i ever want in my life is for someone to be always there for me, even if i myself am not. i want someone who'll understand me without me having to explain why. i want someone who'll accept who i am, no matter what...

but i guess it's too much to ask, God grants wishes as frequently as the earth revolves around the sun...

i have found out, long ago, how stupid it was to give your trust and heart wholly to a person. it's quite dangerous and perilious to my well being.

but i guess, history does repeat itself, i may not learn the lessons the path i walked on presented me... because i know how things are but am too stubborn to actually follow through...

everything seems to fall apart, one by one... like the crumbling of the Tower of Babel, falling from the bottom, almost reaching the top.

i guess i'll never know, what life is like over the clouds under the sun.

because i've been so used to this life lying on the soil, waiting for the rain to fall. i'm just to tired...